Running Away, Facing the Music

I see him in my dreams. This has never happened before, especially when we were still together. I never dreamt of him, even when he told me he dreams of me a lot. But I saw him in my dreams last night. It was the first time I saw him there, and I was running away from him.

In my dream, I was going to Bicol with a few friends. I’m not sure if we were headed to Camarines Norte or to Albay but I’m sure I was with my sister Anne, Millette, Bu-jay, and another girl from ACIL. We went there on separate taxis. I’m not sure what else happened but there was an instance when my aunt, who knew him too, appeared out of nowhere and started to talk to me. We talked about him. I was distressed and I had the feeling that I don’t want to do anything with or about him. Well, that was the general idea.

I guess dreaming about him was understandable considering that I chatted with a common friend about him earlier during the day. She asked how we were, and I said we weren’t on speaking terms. She asked why and I proceeded to give her the summary of everything that happened. I was surprised she didn’t know yet because I thought she was one of his close friends, someone he’d talk to about me when we had problems. And last night, I talked to a close friend about all this; he has been there ever since this whole issue with this guy started. He asked me why I still won’t talk to the guy. I told him I still can’t. I guess it will take some time before I ever have the courage to come up to him again and try to start a friendship. Because I’m afraid that he’ll still be upset over it. I won’t blame him if he will still be upset. I think that by that time, I will feel unworthy of his friendship. And this will all come back to this time, that I caused all this to happen. I wanted to have nothing to do with him. However, I don’t think that is the point. I think that this is something I should do, to be fair to him and to myself as well. It may be too much to ask for a clean slate in the future, but I’d rather take that chance than to keep on fooling ourselves now.

*****

Last night, I went to Ateneo to pick my sister up from her 730 class. It took a long time for her to come out and that gave me some time to remember the things I did on a night like that. I remember my friends, my dinner buddies and sometimes “takas-movie” buddies as well. We all have our own lives to live now, trying to chart our own courses. I remember that time when I cried on the bench beside Colayco Hall, while Millette, Rean, Jaja, Elaine and I were trying to pass the time. Back then, I told them that I can’t imagine not seeing them everyday, not being able to talk to them that way, the way that I have been for the past 3 years of my life. And looking at myself now, I realize it’s not so bad. We may not see each other everyday, but we still keep in touch. It’s part of growing up, I guess. It’s inevitable. Besides, seeing each other again will give us a reason to party all night and get drunk. Haha.

*****

A random thought that disturbed me while driving around last night: the grass is always greener on the other side, pero aanhin mo ang damo kung patay na ang kabayo?