Growing Pains

I don't feel so good. It almost feels like my first day again (January 3, 2005), when I badly wanted to go home because I felt very melancholic (which for me is much deeper than depression). A lot has changed in my life, mainly because I now have a more permanent job and more is expected of me.

This morning, my mom showed me a form which my dad filled out (an application/nomination form) and I didn't see my name on the list of dependents. Right now I'm trying to rationalize that I'm not there because I'm not 21 years old anymore, but I can't help but feel old (and I felt bad). And later tonight, they'll be leaving work early to watch my brother's game in La Salle Greenhills, and I won't be there to watch it with them. Part of me keeps saying that if I were still in college or maybe jobless, I'll be there with them. But thank God I'm not, even if I have to sacrifice a lot of quality family time (just to prove to myself that I'm mature and independent enough). My dad is also going through changes in his life, and I'm sure he thinks it's for the best.

One thing I've observed about me, I have a hard time dealing with change. Going to school, leaving high school, going to college, leaving college, finding a job, getting a job, performing well on the job, not doing anything else you like because of your job, not being on your father's list of dependents. Sometimes it makes me want to say, "I hate growing old." But then, what's life without change, or growth? More than boring, it becomes worthless. Well, that's just me thinking aloud. And I'm not making sense, even to myself. Maybe I should quit whining, start work early, and act old.